if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I need water and some morals
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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