I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
