I saw his package. It spoke to me.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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