Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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