Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
