I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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