I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
