So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
