On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
