i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
