So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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