im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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