I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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