I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
