I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
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