Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
