I think I can smell my own vagina right now
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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