You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
