It's like God shit irony all over that family
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
