I could have mohawked her pubes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
