Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
