remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
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I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
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It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize