If i come over, it means nothing
I think I died a long time ago.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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