dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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