hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
