remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
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She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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