I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
