sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
