your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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