he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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