I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
