I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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