like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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