She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
