If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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