You just made me feel so damn special
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
