I cockslap morals
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
and you fell through a lawn chair
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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