Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
