she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
