I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
