There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
