had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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