its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
