They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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