I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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