I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
