Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
