I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
