Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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