A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
