if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
