I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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