No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
