Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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