sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
