she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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