I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
