And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
