she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
