1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
